★ BREAKING: GEOFFREY BAYSINGER REMAINS UNDEFEATED IN SURF COMPETITIONS HE HAS IMAGINED ★ NOW ENTERING WEEK 71 OF A 100-HOUR WORK WEEK ★ ROCKSTAR CONSUMPTION HITS ALL-TIME HIGH ★ PEPSI STOCK UNAFFECTED ★ KIDS' ACTIVITIES ATTENDED THIS WEEK: SOCCER, BALLET, BEAUTY PAGEANT, BASKETBALL ★ WIFE STILL CONTROLS THE FINANCES ★
VISIONARY · ATHLETE · DEVOTED FATHER · MID-LEVEL ASSOCIATE
Geoffrey Baysinger
World champion surfer, undefeated wakeboarder, and elite corporate athlete — according to one extremely reliable source: himself. Climbing the Pepsi ladder one carefully-credited rung at a time, fueled exclusively by Rockstar Energy and an unshakeable belief in his own legend.
*All championships listed have been verified internally, by Geoff, in his own head.
Verified by the World Championship Board located in his imagination.
90%
Wardrobe Made By Pepsi
The other 10% is also somehow Pepsi.
4
Activities Attended This Week
Soccer, ballet, basketball, beauty pageant. Father of the year incoming.
$0
Personal Access to Finances
Wife handles the real money. As she should.
THE CORPORATE ASCENT
Climbing The Pepsi Ladder
After years of relentless dedication — and a workload he describes as "borderline inhumane" — Geoffrey has surged to a commanding position on the corporate ladder. The summit is practically within reach. Only seventeen rungs to go.
Analysts project he will reach the top by approximately the year 2079, assuming no further Rockstar-related delays.
20 Chief Executive Officer
19 President
18 EVP of Everything
17 Senior Visionary
… (13 more dreams)
4 Associate II
3 Associate (YOU ARE HERE) THRIVING
2 Junior Associate
1 The Mailroom (fondly remembered)
THE GREAT RIVALRY
Baysinger vs. Gimmarro
A daily battle for the ages. Two titans locked in fierce competition over a single, sacred metric: who can do the least amount of work while receiving the most amount of credit.
Current Score: Disputed. Both claim victory. Neither did the work.
SUMMER 2026
The Great Pepsi Challenge
The people decide. One vote per legend. Cast yours and settle this rivalry once and for all.*
Geoffrey Baysinger
Fueled by Rockstar · Dressed by Pepsi
0%
0 votes
Joe Gimmarro
The Arch-Nemesis · Worthy Adversary
0%
0 votes
Be the first to vote and crown a champion.
*Results are legally binding only within the imagination of the current leader. Voting reflects popular opinion and possibly ballot stuffing. May the least-hardworking legend win.
PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE
The Legend, Documented
Olympic Motocross TrainingMentoring the next generation of champions on a dirt road. Note: number 8 plate indicates 8 imaginary podium finishes.
Quality Time™ (Sponsored)Devoted father, present in the moment, hat brand undisclosed but suspiciously Pepsi-adjacent. She's the real boss.
The Day The Finances TransferredA beautiful ceremony marking the official handover of all monetary control. Best decision he ever made (mandatory).
Powered By Rockstar.
Twelve cans a day. Not because he has a problem — because Rockstar is owned by Pepsi, and supporting the company that signs his paycheck is simply good corporate citizenship. This is loyalty. This is strategy. This is a man with a measurable resting heart rate of "concerning."
BLOODSTREAM: 94% ENERGY DRINK
Dressed By Pepsi.
An estimated 90% of Geoffrey's entire wardrobe is manufactured, branded, and distributed by Pepsi. The remaining 10% is laundry day. He'd buy more, but — gentle reminder — his wife controls the finances, and she has wisely capped the corporate-merch budget.
WARDROBE: 90% PEPSI BRANDED
WHAT THE PEOPLE SAY
Glowing Reviews
★★★★★
"He told me he's a world champion surfer. I have never once seen him near the ocean. Five stars."
A Coworker
Pepsi, allegedly
★★★★★
"Works 100 hours a week, somehow still makes every ballet recital. We don't know how. We've stopped asking."
The Family
Primary Beneficiaries
★★★★☆
"A worthy rival. He does even less than I do, and yet gets more credit. Infuriating. Magnificent."
Joe Gimmarro
The Arch-Nemesis
★★★★★
"He controls the snacks. I control everything else. It's a happy marriage."
